Yes. I'm just letting music and lyrics (that don't honestly relate based on what the writer was probably thinking) but, they relate enough to me, so yes, I'm letting them speak for me... it's a cop out but that's okay. I'm no longer comfortable being raw and honest about grief here... but sometimes I just want to post something that's on my mind FWIW (which isn't much).

Today - it's this. I find it so fascinating that Myers and I both discovered we share a grief trigger - this song - when we are by ourselves and it plays on our Pandora station or Sonos player it can bring us both to tears - deep 100% grief bust. "pulling me all the way under and flooding my soul with grief as fresh as the first as the first hours, when everything changed. "

Yea. That.

And this morning, driving home after dropping off A at school (my other one is home today, hoping to get her Covid vaccine if she can muster up the mental strength to overcome her phobia) - it all just surfaced as I was driving along on this beautiful, beautiful, inexplicably beautiful, warm, spring day. Having just told my little boy, who is Gwen's gift really (and that is always painful beyond words - truly - no words) that I love him - this song came on as I plugged in my phone -- and I was there again, holding her - but this time - also wanting all three knowing the torment of the reality that was never my option. Grief has one place that is has won in my heart - there is one place that I'm always devastated and never okay (and sigh - I'm okay with that too. I am). Okay, not okay. 

Anyway, here's the song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bW9UgPBjyNM

Helplessness Blues

Fleet Foxes

I was raised up believing I was somehow unique
Like a snowflake distinct among snowflakes, unique in each way you can see
And now after some thinking, I'd say I'd rather be
A functioning cog in some great machinery serving something beyond me

But I don't, I don't know what that will be
I'll get back to you someday soon you will see

What's my name, what's my station? Oh, just tell me what I should do
I don't need to be kind to the armies of night that would do such injustice to you
Or bow down and be grateful and say, "Sure, take all that you see"
To the men who move only in dimly-lit halls and determine my future for me

And I don't, I don't know who to believe
I'll get back to you someday soon you will see

If I know only one thing, it's that everything that I see
Of the world outside is so inconceivable often I barely can speak
Yeah I'm tongue-tied and dizzy and I can't keep it to myself
What good is it to sing helplessness blues, why should I wait for anyone else?

And I know, I know you will keep me on the shelf
I'll come back to you someday soon myself

If I had an orchard, I'd work 'til I'm raw
If I had an orchard, I'd work 'til I'm sore
And you would wait tables and soon run the store

Gold hair in the sunlight, my light in the dawn
If I had an orchard, I'd work 'til I'm sore
If I had an orchard, I'd work 'til I'm sore
Someday I'll be like the man on the screen

Source: LyricFind

And I'm not the same person I was (there's a quote that goes around that reads something like, Grief will make a new person out of you...). And I am not. I truly don't fit in my little world anymore, but that's okay. I'm actually more at peace than I think I would be otherwise - so there's that (I type as I shrug my shoulders). I'm a cynical optimist and I don't need answers. At all. Because "If I know only one thing, it's that everything that I see of the world outside is so inconceivable often I barely can speak"

That and - chop wood, carry water, b/c there is so much to be done each day. The kitchen won't clean itself!