Looking back. I do it and then it just kills me.
But I've been remembering Easter years ago - when we hosted everyone, all the Carpenter kids... way back in 2002 and 2003 when we lived in C-Ville. Easter and April hold so many memories for me now - for us. And it's still just all wrong. I loved our growing family - growing up, growing in numbers through marriage and children. I married into a family that I grew to adore and just believed would always be there...when they are younger than you, you just expect that. Kinda like your own children - you are supposed to go first.
There are good days ahead, I know this, and I look forward to them - but I won't stop missing those we lost... I can't help that. I'm sorry. But I can't help it. We lost so much last year...and really in some ways I believe it is only beginning to sink into my reality.
While rummaging back in Picasa, I found that I had visited my brother and his wife in Philly in 2007 - in March. I had been to Philly before (Army/Navy game). But to realize that in '07 I visited my brother there while he was in Wharton grad school - in March of all times - I just didn't realize that visit took place in March, until just now. That phrase, "little did I know" pops into my head...little did I know then, that Philly would be our home only three years to the month, three years later down the line. I know I also breezed through Philly later in '07 for a short hour or so visit while traveling back to VA from NY while pregnant with Lillian - again, "little did I know"...little did I know I'd be delivering my second child there in that very city. Life is just weird. That's all I can say.
May is starting. I want to stay in safe April, where at least I know she had this month in full.
14 days and she is gone again. That's what it feels like anyway. I loose her again in 14 days. And I can't stress enough - I have no idea where a year of my life has gone - I am not a year away from May 2010. Not even close. This kind of thing, if I step outside of it for a moment and observe it - "grief" we'll go ahead and call it - is a weird phenomenon. It changes your relationship to everything, most especially Time. At least for me.
14 days and it's a year since sweet, wonderful Marie. I still feel as though perhaps that just is incorrect information and I can wake up from that part of this nightmare....
Maybe this time around I'll do better - since I know it's going to happen - since I know all about May 14th and since truly it happened already. And busyness and Life and a three year old (all wonderful that she is) - and everything that demands even some of the little brain power I can muster up will keep me swiftly moving along without really much time to do more than note, from time to time, when I get the time, just how this all really is inside me, what I really feel - so, I'm fine, no worries. I'm okay, the bottom line is I don't have the time to not be. I do have things I hope to get time to post here and if I can do that - it will be good. I'll be glad for that. In the meantime - life goes on, and that is always the problem... life goes on and moves us all with it, breath caught or not...