Looking back. I do it and then it just kills me.
But I've been remembering Easter years ago - when we hosted everyone, all the Carpenter kids... way back in 2002 and 2003 when we lived in C-Ville. Easter and April hold so many memories for me now - for us. And it's still just all wrong. I loved our growing family - growing up, growing in numbers through marriage and children. I married into a family that I grew to adore and just believed would always be there...when they are younger than you, you just expect that. Kinda like your own children - you are supposed to go first.
There are good days ahead, I know this, and I look forward to them - but I won't stop missing those we lost... I can't help that. I'm sorry. But I can't help it. We lost so much last year...and really in some ways I believe it is only beginning to sink into my reality.
While rummaging back in Picasa, I found that I had visited my brother and his wife in Philly in 2007 - in March. I had been to Philly before (Army/Navy game). But to realize that in '07 I visited my brother there while he was in Wharton grad school - in March of all times - I just didn't realize that visit took place in March, until just now. That phrase, "little did I know" pops into my head...little did I know then, that Philly would be our home only three years to the month, three years later down the line. I know I also breezed through Philly later in '07 for a short hour or so visit while traveling back to VA from NY while pregnant with Lillian - again, "little did I know"...little did I know I'd be delivering my second child there in that very city. Life is just weird. That's all I can say.
May is starting. I want to stay in safe April, where at least I know she had this month in full.
14 days and she is gone again. That's what it feels like anyway. I loose her again in 14 days. And I can't stress enough - I have no idea where a year of my life has gone - I am not a year away from May 2010. Not even close. This kind of thing, if I step outside of it for a moment and observe it - "grief" we'll go ahead and call it - is a weird phenomenon. It changes your relationship to everything, most especially Time. At least for me.
14 days and it's a year since sweet, wonderful Marie. I still feel as though perhaps that just is incorrect information and I can wake up from that part of this nightmare....
Maybe this time around I'll do better - since I know it's going to happen - since I know all about May 14th and since truly it happened already. And busyness and Life and a three year old (all wonderful that she is) - and everything that demands even some of the little brain power I can muster up will keep me swiftly moving along without really much time to do more than note, from time to time, when I get the time, just how this all really is inside me, what I really feel - so, I'm fine, no worries. I'm okay, the bottom line is I don't have the time to not be. I do have things I hope to get time to post here and if I can do that - it will be good. I'll be glad for that. In the meantime - life goes on, and that is always the problem... life goes on and moves us all with it, breath caught or not...
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Thinking more on Easter's past...
By Laura at April 30, 2011
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My heart goes out to you, in May. And yes, "life is just weird." Love, hugs and kisses.ReplyDelete
I like how you said that grief changes your relationship with time. That is an excellent way to describe it. May is my one year month too... And it is unfathomable. Love to you.ReplyDelete