Pain beyond pain

Thank you. Each of you who shared Gwenyth with us, who loved her with us. Thank you to those who shared in the memorial service and joined us to celebrate her life.

We have been carried and lifted up and loved by so, so many people - from those we know deeply and daily, to those we've recently become aquatinted with, to our church family, co-workers, to people from the past but close in heart, to people we don't even know. Pain, sorrow and horrible things are strong but love is by far, more present and more powerful. God has been glorified and revealed in this amazing show of love - we have been so blessed to witness that - and Gwen in her tiny little life touched so many - that I know it is my duty to honor that by saying, I do believe there is Hope - even as I myself, am going to be struggling for a long, long time to make peace - I couldn't do this if there wasn't.

I cannot let my Gwen down by giving into despair, to the grief and the unbelievable guilt I carry. I will work towards that Hope, I will keep looking for God, I will do it for Gwen because her little life amazed me in how many people told me they followed her story and were moved by her story. It is HER story, it is not mine. She ministers to me.

I'll be posting words from her service in the weeks to come. I'll be sharing as we hear what the doctors learn - as we are totally in the dark as to what went wrong. I took her to the pediatrician on Friday for a few small things we noticed and were concerned about. We went to our local hospital for a lung x-ray, an EKG and a little fluids. She worsened through the day, but we still never thought she was on the path she was one. She took a dramatic turn and never made it on the helicopter to UVA. We were packing for an expected few days in Charlottesville, about an hours drive (we were not allowed on the helicopter) when we got the call to go back to her, that her heart had stopped and the docs were trying to start her heart again.

I noticed something just now that struck me - which is really what I came here to note - so I thought I'd share it. Her Aunt that died, also shared the same middle name, "Graham." I never noticed that until just now. I've known her since I first dated Myers in 1997. I've been reading the articles in the paper about her accident. And I never noticed until this morning her middle name was the same as my daughter. Had I known, I would have told her in life, how wonderful and appropriate it was - that "Graham" not only honored one family member we loved, Myers' Aunt, but another in our own generation, her, sweet Marie - I would have loved to tell her that it had meaning to me that they shared a name, as I loved and adored Marie's heart and spirit and the way she could made me laugh and laugh about silly things. I simply loved her laugh and can hear it so well in my head. I loved, loved, loved Marie.

I'm noticing her not being around as all the family is gathered for Gwenyth. I notice it so much that she is not here to grieve with us. But, I did have a strong sense that she was holding Gwenyth for me during the service, just as someone would hold the baby while I needed to be doing something - she was holding Gwenyth as I had to be at a funeral. I will be holding that vision in my heart - and take comfort in that. If anyone needed to be held day and night, it was my Gwen - I like to think she has her loving, sweet Aunt taking that on for me - that in some way that would be like her holding her here - they are connected where they now dwell.

The pain of the loss of Gwenyth is going to take a long time until I am more used to it - I know it will never go away - and I can't wish it away because I'd have to let go of every memory I have.
But it is pain beyond pain.

Funeral Plans

Monday at 4:00 there will be a memorial service for Gwenyth at Lindsay Funeral Home. There will be a gathering afterwards, with details to follow. We're not really sure where it will be yet.

My sister Marie's visitation and memorial service are at 11:30 and 1:30 respectively on Wednesday at New City Fellowship in Chattanooga, TN.

Sweet Marie

While we are still reeling from what happened to Gwen, we have learned that Marie, Gwen's aunt, my sister has passed away today, just 2 hours after Gwen.  Please pray for my family.

As I told Parks when Liz had a miscarriage, I must tell you now, my father has a new grandbaby to play with in heaven.

My mom, Sarah, Patrick, Parks, Liz, their little girls, and I are driving to Harrisonburg tonight. The rest of my immediate family will drive up on Sunday.

Please, please, don't call Myers or Laura. If you need to talk to anyone, call me. My number is 256-541-6755.

Pray Hard and Well

Myers and Laura went home to pack and the hospital called to say they were doing everything they could to keep Gwen's heart working. Please pray.

Myers just called me so that I can pass on what is happening right now.

Gwen has been spitting up a little more the past few days, but this morning, her spit up was yellow. This prompted Myers and Laura to called the pediatrician and from the doctor's office, they were sent to RMH, the local hospital. There, they put Gwen on several machines, most of which look pretty normal. However, her blood pressure is 100ish/38 (sorry, Myers was trying to tell me as much as possible in as little time as possible) which means her heart is working too hard and is a sign of possible heart failure. They are waiting on a helicopter to airlift her to the UVA hospital.

I'm assuming that things are super crazy for them right now and that they will call me so I can blog any further news. I will do it as soon as possible.

Some picts...

One hand here...so this is it for today.