We are back home in Virginia now. Last Tuesday we drove to Chattanooga for Marie's service. Today we drove back into our world.
I miss Maire. I feel the difference in the world without her. I hate the knowledge that I won't see her again, not here anyway.
I am glad for the siblings I and the cousins I have by marriage. I love the people that Lillian calls her Aunts and Uncles - each one of them I care for and love and each one I believe, is so important in Lil's life in their own way. I always thought she'd have them all for a long, long time. Marie. Marie. It feels so weird and wrong for you to not be here anymore. I'd like to say it will just take some getting used to, but that's just not the case. You are gone and we will always notice the feeling of you "not there."
As for being home. I ache. Myers aches. It's hard to describe it in words right now. I want to hold her again, my Gwen, and have my life, my world, everything that all just went away so fast - I just want it back. Lillian's needs will keep me focused. I'm clinging to God. I'm sustained by friends. I'm trying to walk forward but I am knee deep in pain and bewilderment. I want it to stop hurting.
There's song lyrics that say, "everything changed, then changed again" - I keep hearing that in my head... because that day, in a matter of two hours, that's what happened. Our world changed in the worst possible way all in an instant. Our hearts broke so hard and so fast. And then it happened again hours later when we heard the news of our sweet Marie.
Everything changed and this is how it is now.