"Life is a tragedy, confront it."

"Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation." -Kahlil Gibran

Friday, May 14th. 3:30 & 5:30. Gwen. Marie. The hours of separation. It was this Friday in May -it was a Friday - and it hurts as though it was yesterday.

I find, myself, that Love for children is outside of time...and this type of wound - well it kinda stays... You get stronger in carrying it but only as any muscle forced to work will grow in accordance - the "Grief" muscle grows, the weight never changes. My baby-loss companion, Michelle writes, "The weight of the grief? Is always the same. Maybe some days, it's easier to pick up - but the size never changes. It's always heavy."

“Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy.” - Arthur Helps

Yep.

And Friday morning, the same day in May - is here...and I see it all...I know, this time I know now how today will pan out...

"

Little I knew that morning, God was going to call your name, >
in life we loved you dearly, in death we do the same.

" (repeat twice when you read this.)

And I can conjure up in a split second ache, tears, and longing and devastation that is no different from the moment "it happened" - I saw my child die - I held her helplessly in a hospital room next to my husband a child whom hours earlier we cooed and awed at. You don't just "move on" - not from a day like that. You change entirely.  And in conjunction, you slowly grow your "sadness muscle" so you can carry it all with you - because you don't get a choice. Strength does not come from joy.

I remember that little smile that morning. I lament we didn't get more - that was the first. I remain grateful for that smile...but to love is to want... I wish I had more smiles to "lean on" as I do Marie's laughter.
--

Twice in one day the phone would bring us news of horrible things, a heart stopping in our baby girl and our sweet sister's life being lost in a fall from a high place in the woods. This spring, this May, I watched it again - even as I know it is over - but this is the first time I marked the days and "watched" it play out.

On the other side, after this anniversary of death - perhaps I'll have changed, perhaps some bit of release and relief will come between the first and this second time it all happened. But in truth, I'll be walking on the very same path and with many cruel moments still to come, as Gwen and Marie are not here and this time I don't have shock to "protect me."

I am at once always devastated, always so sad - and I've lost before - but there is something about those younger than you - the "love roots" are entwined differently, they rooted into the bottom of my heart - whereas those older than me, I was rooted in theirs. They left "late enough" that I had completely established my own depth of roots, separate, mostly from them. Their loss tore merely from the top of my heart - I still think on them, still wish them to be here, I still love them and treasure their memory... but those rooted deep at the bottom of our hearts, those we watch grow up - they are ripped from the deepest place in hearts and pulled through, entwined with your roots all the while being torn mercilessly.

And three times in one year. We are worn out. I just feel worn out. And I just want them back. I'm not strong...

I loved those we lost. "To love is to want" - I'll accept there will be no peace to be found regarding their sudden absence and the trauma of how each left...and I'll keep loving them and wanting them back in our lives. And as your gain no strength from joy, I'll keep getting "stronger" in a way no one ever wants to. I wouldn't trade this for a thing, I know, I know - this is the cost of having had them in our lives - and they are worth it - I wouldn't have wanted to not know them... but even so, their losses are what they are - tragedies - and always will be.

It is over, and yet, it is never over - it is always open-ended, always heavy.

"There is no more ridiculous custom than the one that makes you express sympathy once and for all on a given day to a person whose sorrow will endure as long as his life. Such grief, felt in such a way, is always "present," it is never too late to talk about it, never repetitious to mention it again."

-Marcel Proust

---
There you were, and it was like spring
like the first fair water with the light on it,
hitting the eyes.
Why are we made the way we are made, that to love
is to want?
Well you are gone now, and this morning I have walked out
to the back shore,
to the ocean which, even if we think we have measured it,
no final measure.
Sometimes you can see the great whales there,
breaching and playing.
Sometimes the swans linger just long enough
for us to be astonished.
Then they lift their wings, they become again
a part of the untouchable clouds.

- Mary Oliver

---

 The last photo taken of the Carpenter kids. It was at their Grandmothers funeral. I was 21 weeks with Gwen. 

Marie and Gwen are right next to each other. Missing is Aunt Liz and little cousins 

Lily Kate and Charlotte...so sadly, it's not everyone. But it's lovely we have this.

The last photos I took. Last ones of Gwen. 

Last one of daddy and Gwen, mommy and Gwen and big-sis and Gwen. 

Taken in the end of April and May. 

The Broken Chain

Little I knew that morning, God was going to call your name,

in life we loved you dearly, in death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone,

for part of me went with you, the day God called you home.

You left us beautiful memories, your love is still our guide,

and though we cannot see you, you are always by our side

.



Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same,

but as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again.

-Author Unkown

-------

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.

Life is beauty, admire it.

Life is a dream, realize it.

Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.

-Mother Teresa 

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." 2 Corinthians 4

"Thursday before..."

A song for today, listen here

A video that someone made - that speaks perfectly how this year has been, how I am now...and my thankfulness always to the care extended towards us - as the narrator says:

"I'm so thankful to those who without you my tragedy would have been unbearable. To those who were around me to hold my hand and catch my tears...thank you"
Watch it here: When A Baby Dies

And so many thoughts.

Notes on Grief- as I try to step out and observe it - it has gotta be the strangest human "thing." Are we that egotistical or is it that we do love that deeply and our love reflects its s Divine Source... when I think on that I do feel better. It's only Love and it can nearly kill you.

Sometimes I judge myself, but then I recall that a West Point grad/a five-star general/American President found himself undone by child-loss: "That was and still is the great disaster of my life - that lovely,  lovely  little boy... There's no tragedy in life like the death of a  child. Things never get back to the way they were," explained Dwight D. Eisenhower.

Recently I met a little girl and yet, never met her in person as I had hoped - I instead went to her funeral service. It was a Catholic service. The last Catholic service I attended was my dear Grandfathers, years ago, and I never forgot how surrounded by God's Grace I felt - I remember being glad to know that was where my Grandfather went every week - that that was who his Priest was - he had a good church.

This tiny little baby's service moved me as much. The Priest spoke with complete confidence - saying something along the lines of, either we are all duped by some big hoax, either it is true or not (God) and she is either with God and now a Saint watching over or not, and then if not, at least she is not subject to being fooled like all the rest of us still here.

At another point in the service he exclaimed calmly what he believed with assurance,

"she is with God now - who loves her more than her parents were willing to love."

I could feel that one. Wow. Now, there is a way to speak of heaven on no small wishy, washy terms - and it got me thinking, the whole message of the Bible, is how all of this is not even about us - but about God not wanting to loose us and about God existing for his own Glory - for His sake. He didn't want to loose Gwen far more than me - according to scripture. So the promise I am given in this painful place of longing - is that has been taken care of... and not even for my sake.

In the meantime - to be honest, I'm borrowing all the Faith I can - as it's all too good to be true, I need it so badly that I don't believe a word of what I say to myself. It's all too convenient - to talk about a happy ending. I believe it more if you think of it on a level far beyond us, as I mentioned above - but for now - I just know that despite all the pain, there still is much beauty and I know the "darkness" is the smallest measure of man - and yet it is what human nature excels out, finding ways to feel and stay down. So I can "get through" this even while I'm in it and be okay... and if you have Faith then I'll borrow yours, I'll believe you for now and in the mean time, the only thing I know for sure is you gotta try to "make hay while sun shines."

And back to humanity and my narrow little world -back to observing my "grief"- what has surprised me there is so little control in it and much of its power dwells in  your sub-conscience (I'm sad now simply in response to the weather - my senses recall a baby in the spring - and all "shock" has worn off - I feel her not here more than ever before). I can't talk myself out of it - and I also don't believe I should - I need to somehow, live it again but for the first time with foreknowledge - it's part of facing reality.

And it is like I'm loosing her again. And today, this Thursday is the hardest I believe. This week...all the "last days" of her life, and today, the last full day we had together - last days of peace and no trauma... and knowing it this time around, that a year ago this Thursday would be my last day and night with tiny, little, Gwenyth Graham. That, also, we would get a call about Marie the next day... a confusing message from Myers' grandmother that ended with, "I think she's dead..."

I recall Lil in her bed -the "Thursday before" - waking up from her nap. I told her we were all going out to a plant nursery. Somehow the subject came up of leaving Gwen behind - I explained to Lil that Gwen would be sad if we did that and that no I wasn't going to leave Gwen, she was coming with us.

We were living normal life - Lillian was learning about having a sibling and I was busy with two kids and a house- and hoping to get some plants in the empty places in our garden beds, I picked Myers up from work and off we all went...and Gwen was dying all the while - she was sick and I didn't clue in.

A tree now stands in Gwen's memory here at our arboretum. The plaque is there with her name on it (I've not seen it yet). It's a tree I stood at, at the nursery, looking at and admiring while holding Gwen in my baby carrier, while Lil played in the puddles around the nursery. It is a Butterfly Japanese Maple and I stood beside it holding Gwen the day before she died.

Yes, she died on the 14th, but she died on a Friday and today is the hardest day, I think. I remember the Thursday before...
------

Thinking more on Easter's past...

Looking back. I do it and then it just kills me.

But I've been remembering Easter years ago - when we hosted everyone, all the Carpenter kids... way back in 2002 and 2003 when we lived in C-Ville. Easter and April hold so many memories for me now - for us. And it's still just all wrong. I loved our growing family - growing up, growing in numbers through marriage and children. I married into a family that I grew to adore and just believed would always be there...when they are younger than you, you just expect that. Kinda like your own children - you are supposed to go first.

There are good days ahead, I know this, and I look forward to them - but I won't stop missing those we lost... I can't help that. I'm sorry. But I can't help it. We lost so much last year...and really in some ways I believe it is only beginning to sink into my reality.

While rummaging back in Picasa, I found that I had visited my brother and his wife in Philly in 2007 - in March. I had been to Philly before (Army/Navy game). But to realize that in '07 I visited my brother there while he was in Wharton grad school - in March of all times - I just didn't realize that visit took place in March, until just now. That phrase, "little did I know" pops into my head...little did I know then, that Philly would be our home only three years to the month, three years later down the line. I know I also breezed through Philly later in '07 for a short hour or so visit while traveling back to VA from NY while pregnant with Lillian - again, "little did I know"...little did I know I'd be delivering my second child there in that very city. Life is just weird. That's all I can say.
----

May is starting. I want to stay in safe April, where at least I know she had this month in full.

14 days and she is gone again. That's what it feels like anyway. I loose her again in 14 days. And I can't stress enough - I have no idea where a year of my life has gone - I am not a year away from May 2010. Not even close.  This kind of thing, if I step outside of it for a moment and observe it - "grief" we'll go ahead and call it - is a weird phenomenon. It changes your relationship to everything, most especially Time. At least for me.

14 days and it's a year since sweet, wonderful Marie. I still feel as though perhaps that just is incorrect information and I can wake up from that part of this nightmare....

Maybe this time around I'll do better - since I know it's going to happen - since I know all about May 14th and since truly it happened already. And busyness and Life and a three year old (all wonderful that she is) - and everything that demands even some of the little brain power I can muster up will keep me swiftly moving along without really much time to do more than note, from time to time, when I get the time, just how this all really is inside me, what I really feel - so, I'm fine, no worries. I'm okay, the bottom line is I don't have the time to not be. I do have things I hope to get time to post here and if I can do that - it will be good. I'll be glad for that. In the meantime - life goes on, and that is always the problem... life goes on and moves us all with it, breath caught or not...

Easter. Remembering.

Easter last year. It was earlier in April than this year. Gwen's Uncle Bob and Aunt Nelly came to visit. They were only a handful of loved ones who would get to meet her in person. Aunt Becca was there. Uncle Patrick, Becca's husband, had flown in previously for a weekend visit. Gwen met both grandmothers and her living grandfather, all while in Philly.

I remember Easter most especially not because it was the day before she was to be discharged, but because Aunt Becca and I shared a quiet moment, just the two of us, on Easter morning with Gwen. We sang to her my favorite hymn. It has celtic roots so it was fitting to sing it to my "St. Patrick's day baby."

What I forgot, until Gwen's funeral, was the exact history of the song. It is connected both to Easter and to St. Patrick himself. The history I will cut and paste below, after the photos. When you read it you will note as I did - how fitting a song it was for Easter and for Gwen.

My favorite hymn now is sad to me, yet also more beautiful. And Easter now always bitter-sweet.

These days, time is winning.  I think every second of all of "this" and I can't spend a moment digesting it all…all the pain and anguish that still lives fully inside me. But I Hope - I Hope that God didn't want to loose Gwen far more than we didn't want to and I know Easter speaks to that.

I'm not at peace about Gwenyth and that day, and all that's happened since we lost her - I am not that strong. Instead I'm able to haggle out some type of peace-like truce, moment by moment, with all as is. And not with how, or why, all that has happened has happened, but with just here and now regardless, because it doesn't matter and it will never square or settle.

Regardless of personal circumstance, there's just so much to try do in a world so rampant with imperfection and forces beyond human control. Someday, as I get better at haggling and am not so exhausted afterward, I hope to channel what I can of "all this" towards trying to do something useful.

So, these days I square only with the sadness and a longing and try to give the "unforgiving moment" my time and energy.

For Easter, all I've got to say is hopefully, "it is finished" and someday separation will be no more. 

Till then, God make me worthy of my friends, my family, my daughters.

 

Earlier in April, little Gwenyth all swaddled.

 

Uncle Patrick visits.

Aunt Becca enjoys holding sweet Gwen.

 

A sweet moment with her daddy and mommy.

Easter and a special hand-me-down dress from Lillian. Uncle Bobby and Aunt Nelly gave Lillian this dress which she wore to their wedding. Since they were visiting for Easter it was the perfect outfit to choose. It even matched the adorable "cat booties" Gwen's Grammy had bought for her.

Uncle Bobby and Aunt Nelly give Gwenyth a lamb blanket for Easter: 

 

Discharged from CHOP - the day after Easter:

 

 Grammy with her two granddaughters.

 

At the apartment in Philly, the day after Easter, my two girls.

 

Gwenyth at home in Virginia

Be Thou My Vision, the Song and the Story

St. Patrick (385-461 AD) was a man zealous for the things of God. As a missionary, he defied an Irish King's edict that restricted the lighting of candles on Easter Eve. King Logaire of Tara had decreed that no one was allowed light any fires until a pagan spring festival was launched by the lighting of a fire on Slane Hill. Patrick chose to honor God in spite the threat of death. King Logaire was so impressed with Patrick's brave devotion, he let him continue his missionary work unhindered.

An 8th Century Monk, Dallan Forgaill penned the words to Be Thou My Vision, as a tribute to St. Patrick's wholehearted loyalty to God. The hymn was translated from Irish to English in 1905 by Mary E. Byrne. In 1912, Eleanor H. Hull arranged the song into the verse most commonly found in English hymnals today. The music to accompany the lyrics is an ancient Irish folk tune called Slane. 

 

- Written by: C. R Christiansen  

Be Thou My Vision

-Listen to it here-

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul's Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven's joys, O bright Heaven's Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

Video problem solved - they are all working now....

In the blog posts here: Gwen's Birthday post and here: My post leading up to her birthday the videos are at last, up and running for good. I finally got technology to do what it was supposed to do (and I really am quite sure I would have found a high bridge to drop this computer off of had I not been married to such a smart "computer guy" ;).

Well, enjoy Gwen's sweetness, and Lil too. And thank you. It means so much to share her with you.

Thinking of Gwenyth...and springtime

Sister's By Heart

I can't get the time that I want to be post here what I want to...but please for now, spend a moment seeing what my lovely "Heart-Sister's" are blogging about.

There is a video of Travis here, whom so recently lost his battle with CHD and left his family full of so many adorable and sweet memories but also, so much heart-break. There is a feature on "Bummer Bears" as well as Gwen's dear "angel" friend Mia's, "Heart Charms" (I love my Mia Marrone Heart Charm - Lillian thought it was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen).

Also, here you can read about a documentary on CHD that is finally released for purchase (I can't wait to buy it and see it). And while we're speaking of videos, I also hope to one day watch, Something the Lord Made. But I suppose it will be a while till I can actually watch either of those, since well, my own little "movies" still play in my head any pretty much any second I don't have something occupying my mind.

Sister's By Heart blogspot